A warm quilt wrapped around my naked body, cup of sweet tea in hand, dog at the end of the bed licking herself.....only 11 more days at work and it's serious adventure time!
Great day up in the big smoke yesterday, usual smash and grab in Snow and Rock followed by a fat feast in China town. No beer, being a good lad in October, not one drop will pass my wind cracked lips. Purchased my new sexy boots. No, not thigh length leather, no not pink latex high heels, we're talking sexier..... La Sportiva Spantics oh yeahhh!!!
No chances being taken on this Himalaya adventure, I want to be warm as possible and hopefully not snapping off blackened frost bitten extremities and bringing them home in a sandwich bag to show the kids.
Had a good few weeks training. 105 miles of Coast 2 Coast across Scotland in 15 hrs57 mins, got smashed up proper in The Hurt race, man that was one hell of a hilly run and have been cycling to work, bit of gym, martial arts. All good stuff, all necessary!
Must get up now, shower and work. Have a good day all.
Wednesday 3 October 2012
Saturday 8 September 2012
Sitting in bed, dreaming mountains...
Good morning to all my friends, family, lovers, haters, sheep shaggers and raving homosexuals. How you all doin'?
A short update to let you know I am still alive (I hear you disappointment) and still dreaming of cracking one off on the top of Everest! Been another mad few months in the life of the Smallster. Ramming sheep in Wales, North and South. Having my bell end and anus simultaneously electrocuted at Tough Guy Nettle Warrior. Getting drunk in the Swiss Alps and stalked by Peter Sutcliffe (when the fuck did he get out). Getting beaten up by women in the Dojo, once again. Having my ass bitten by my dog when we go running, playing shit golf, that sort of thing.
50k bike ride tomoz, for charity of course, and then smashing up a 100+ mile 48 hour coast 2 coast of Scotland next weekend with my buddy Robson Greenfingers. Supporting Alzheimers. It's gonna be Shwweet! Saddle sores, blisters, aching limbs and getting smashed. Triffic :-)
Work has kinda gotten in the way the last few months but that's about to be rectified. Only 6 weeks until the Himmalaya. Only 6 weeks until it's off to attempt Island Peak summit. Only 6 weeks until I embark on a journey to come face to face, toe to toe, eye to eye with my ultimate goal in life........it's all I dream about....I refuse to die until such time.....conquer or be conquered.
Much love. Enjoy the sunshine x
A short update to let you know I am still alive (I hear you disappointment) and still dreaming of cracking one off on the top of Everest! Been another mad few months in the life of the Smallster. Ramming sheep in Wales, North and South. Having my bell end and anus simultaneously electrocuted at Tough Guy Nettle Warrior. Getting drunk in the Swiss Alps and stalked by Peter Sutcliffe (when the fuck did he get out). Getting beaten up by women in the Dojo, once again. Having my ass bitten by my dog when we go running, playing shit golf, that sort of thing.
50k bike ride tomoz, for charity of course, and then smashing up a 100+ mile 48 hour coast 2 coast of Scotland next weekend with my buddy Robson Greenfingers. Supporting Alzheimers. It's gonna be Shwweet! Saddle sores, blisters, aching limbs and getting smashed. Triffic :-)
Work has kinda gotten in the way the last few months but that's about to be rectified. Only 6 weeks until the Himmalaya. Only 6 weeks until it's off to attempt Island Peak summit. Only 6 weeks until I embark on a journey to come face to face, toe to toe, eye to eye with my ultimate goal in life........it's all I dream about....I refuse to die until such time.....conquer or be conquered.
Much love. Enjoy the sunshine x
Monday 2 July 2012
MUDRUNNER OBLIVION "Dirty Weekend" 2012
It’s Monday lunchtime as I sit at my desk; chomping on a sirloin
steak drizzled with England’s finest mustard, lovingly nestled next to two
fried eggs, easy over. A protein overdose
to repair my poorly calve muscles that were battered yesterday like a Whitby
Cod in a deep fat fryer.
Mudrunner Oblivion is the cause for such drastic repair. A
fearsome 10k in the amazing grounds of Eastnor Castle. An event cancelled earlier in the year due to
horrendous rain and storm force winds which was of course the correct call (despite
a 3 ½ hour journey and sleepless overnight in the camper with billy big drops
doing a tap dance on my hot tin roof!). Rain, who cares, that’s why it’s mud runner right?
but getting killed by fallen branches and re-naming it “Log Flume Death” is
probably not the best marketing strategy and certainly not the best way to get
repeat customers given that you’ve just killed a couple with a ten ton Oak. We
move on….
Fair play to Mudrunner, they re-scheduled the event and
instead of just being the one day Sunday free-for-all, you could do the race on
Saturday or Sunday or take part in the “Filthy Weekend” and do both days all
for the same price! Free camping in the deer park, camp fire Saturday night and
a band (well solo artist) banging out classic tunes like Wonderwall, bit of Ed
Sheran, Green Day, James. Cold Play, Travis etc. The dude was good!! An inspired decision, almost festival like atmosphere
and with kids (the junior Mudrunners),
having a great time too playing footie in the fields. My dog, among many
others enjoying running around like a complete fruit loop that she is. Bang on
the money!
Pumped and ready to smash it
So the event: Junior Oblivion, about 300 kids aged I guess
from about 8 to about 14 dressed in spandex and donning free temporary tattoos
on their arms, legs and face with slogans such us “Dirty Boy” , “ No Stopping” ,
“ Boom” were set for a 5K race. A few parents joined their kids. Of course I’m
there with my boy to set the pace, push him on and most of all to be fair, have
fun in some mud with my lad. It was awesome, the first 1k all uphill then into
the mud, mud, mud, more mud, a few obstacles, more mud, water, mud, muddy water,
cargo net, mud, wall climb, more muddy water, mud, hill, finish, …..and finally,
the much anticipated, and appreciated …Tub Of Love (A large wood fire heated
sponge filled outdoor bath).
Celebrating in the Tub Of Love
A review from my boy “That
was just awesome, so much better than I thought it would be….I wanna go
again!!!! (Huge muddy smile on his face)”
Done, Junior Mudrunner medal display!
So, I escorted my off-spring back to the camper, threw him a
towel, grabbed the wife and headed back to the start line for Mud Runner
Oblivion Adult. 10K, same drill just bigger obstacles, bigger lakes, bigger
hills and oh boy bigger mud swamps!
The Hill Start (Junior and Adult)
About 1,100 nutters start going up the huge hill. Staggered
starts, 200 at a time five minutes between each wave. After the hill it’s into
the forest for 8k non-stop undulating MUD! Thin mud, thick mud, clogging mud,
dark mud, light mud, smelly mud, liquid mud and mud that was more like a parasite
that just stuck to your hands and feet so you couldn’t make out the shape of your
body parts. At times you cross
obstacles, not tough one’s but when you’re on your hands and knees in 12 inches
of black/brown smelly s**t and can’t move….it’s tough…it’s cramp inducing and
it’s just simply brilliant dirty fun.
At times the paths were very narrow and you get caught
behind the walkers/resters, at times the muddy hills are so steep you slip up
and slide down and at times the endless puddles of glupe just seem to go on,
slowly chipping away at your calve muscles. Logs in water to jump over or dive
under in my case, rope climb up a muddy steep bank, monkey bars with muddy hands #impossible. You finish wading through two
chest height lakes and over the 8ft timber wall with a race uphill to the
finish and of course…the Tub of Love J
Goodie bag: Mars bar, crappy wooden block medal, decent
T-shirt (all sizes), red-bull, water and a car sticker.
Overall: Brilliant event!!
Rating out of 10 = 8.5
Plus points: Brilliant organisation, enthusiastic marshals,
brilliant course, exceptional value for money…..and oh sooooo much filthy mud!
Minus Points: Catering not too great (bring a picnic), Portaloos
on camp as per norm stunk (bring some bog roll), bit too far from my house (no
I’m not going to move).
Would I go again: Absolutely nailed on event for 2013…I’m
there with wifey and son.
Note: I was fortunate to experience the “Filthy Weekend”
after some very heavy rain and flooding. Next year it may not be so muddy and I
believe it’s going back to the one day. I’ve asked them to make a whole weekend
cos I just love being damn filthy!!
Smally
Saturday 18 February 2012
First blog of the year.......
So as I write the plane bounces around, fasten seat belt light still on, the camp air steward bends in front of me revealing a Beckham'esk tight panty line. Do me a favour! He returns upright with a smile, a cold Heineken in hand.
You are forgiven Pedro. Pedro I think to myself, on a Ryan Air plane. Shouldn't you be called Mick or Shamus or something and why is Ryan Air blue and not green? And why are there no leprechauns on this flight. Weird. I double check my boarding pass to make sure I'm not on my way to Kazekstan to become goat fodder. All it well, Oslo Torp, destination confirmed.
So what am I doing here, apart from sitting next to a very pretty and buxom Norwegian lady wearing a V cut jumper and thigh length brown leather boots, probably reindeer skin. Well, i'm on my travels with the lads: Will from Wales, Mick and Paul from Essex, top geezers and Lord Cocks of Cocksville which is a made up name and title and he's from somewhere near Exeter! We're meeting Rob and Baggy, apparently a winter climbing legend at the airport for a three hour drive to Rjukan, the unofficial ice climbing capital of Europe. 5 days of climbing the famous heavy water of this part of the world. The place where Hitler took over the hydro production plant in an attempt to use the heavy water to make an Atom bomb to blow England off the face of the earth! The place were a crack team of British and Norwegian special forces sabotaged his plans and blew up the distillery making the Heavy water. The birth place of the WW2 "Hero's of Telemark". I bow down to you sirs, if it wasn't for these brave and committed true hero's I would not be here in my current state. I would be a deformed sperm glowing green in a shrivelled scroat sack next to the other three and a half scroat sacks of my two headed radio active parent.
Ice climbing, that's what I'm doing here. Five days of climbing the frozen waterfalls of the upper and lower gorge of Rjukan. Never done it before so exciting times ahead pushing my upper body and calves to their limits of self destruction. Had to put the guide book down, reading the safety page which states at least 1500 people have died in avalanche and collapsed ice pillars in Norway. WTF did they have to say that for? I know it's dangerous, that's why I'm doing this shit, but hopefully you are reading this as a living blog and not an obituary, crying with sorrow at the loss of such an epic and illiterate writer of life experience and general bollocks. If you are reading this as the latter...have no fear, I have already lived a life....Mum, Pen. Ben, Kirsty and all my family I love you but don't be upset, it was bound to happen sooner or later xxx Friends, look after my family or I will come back as a haunted spectre of billy goats gruff and rape your pets!
I've not blogged for a while. Not really been up to much exciting really. Just normal ordinary day to day mundane crap. Full on snowy ascent of Blenkethra, run up Snowdon, scrambled Tryfan, Carneddau disaster x 2, run the Grim, the Grim night terror, Hell runner, Tough Guy smashed the Yorkshire three peaks, passed gradings in both jKD Jun Fan and Phillipino Kali and generally been travelling the UK in the sexiest thing on four wheels, my best ever spontaneous purchase, the delectable and damn right horny Chill Mobile.
It is one beast of a camper...drive where you want, when you want, stop, sleep and shit where you want. I love it ta bits! It is almost like an extension to my family. First night I slept in it alone in a remote car park in North Yorkshire, blinds down, scallops sizzling in the pan, Radiohead on the I-pod dock, I though this is just heaven. How more relaxed can you get. Not just horizontal but horizontal and floating.
Anyway, about to land soon so a little antidote to conclude this blog of what sometimes goes on in the warped and not quite normal head of mine. So I'm in the car park right, in a local village, it's dark, it's very remote, not a sole around, middle of winter, I'm happy. I hear a noise outside, sounds like a car, 11.05pm. Mmmm, why would you park up? Kids pulling over to skin up maybe, perhaps car jackers gonna try and smash their way in... or is it doggers. I've heard about dogging, a couple pull up in their cars, turn the vanity lights on and join their sexual parts together in a form of exercise and mutual exchange of shuddering body fluids. Whilst this is going on men, generally old perverts jump out of bushes and wank all over the windscreen. Or so I'm lead to believe.
So this image haunts me, I can hear someone outside. What to do, get my dick out and go and have a watch, turn the I-pod up and pretend it's not happening, grab a knife....! I ponder, ok let's take a look, cock firmly still placed well and truly in my knickers. I turn the interior lights off and open the blinds....I was half expecting to see an old bloke in a mack holding a pathetically shrivelled penis in his hand and a 1970's camcorder in the other...or, even worse, a 50 something MILF with big hair and red lipstick smeared all over her face staring through the window with a hand full of KY jelly and a 12" black dildo strapped to her head!
I won't tell you what I actually saw when I pulled that blind up! I'll leave you to ponder and wander through your own imagination!
Must go now...gay lord Pedro is telling me off......
Laters...bring on the Ice! Ice! Baby!
You are forgiven Pedro. Pedro I think to myself, on a Ryan Air plane. Shouldn't you be called Mick or Shamus or something and why is Ryan Air blue and not green? And why are there no leprechauns on this flight. Weird. I double check my boarding pass to make sure I'm not on my way to Kazekstan to become goat fodder. All it well, Oslo Torp, destination confirmed.
So what am I doing here, apart from sitting next to a very pretty and buxom Norwegian lady wearing a V cut jumper and thigh length brown leather boots, probably reindeer skin. Well, i'm on my travels with the lads: Will from Wales, Mick and Paul from Essex, top geezers and Lord Cocks of Cocksville which is a made up name and title and he's from somewhere near Exeter! We're meeting Rob and Baggy, apparently a winter climbing legend at the airport for a three hour drive to Rjukan, the unofficial ice climbing capital of Europe. 5 days of climbing the famous heavy water of this part of the world. The place where Hitler took over the hydro production plant in an attempt to use the heavy water to make an Atom bomb to blow England off the face of the earth! The place were a crack team of British and Norwegian special forces sabotaged his plans and blew up the distillery making the Heavy water. The birth place of the WW2 "Hero's of Telemark". I bow down to you sirs, if it wasn't for these brave and committed true hero's I would not be here in my current state. I would be a deformed sperm glowing green in a shrivelled scroat sack next to the other three and a half scroat sacks of my two headed radio active parent.
Ice climbing, that's what I'm doing here. Five days of climbing the frozen waterfalls of the upper and lower gorge of Rjukan. Never done it before so exciting times ahead pushing my upper body and calves to their limits of self destruction. Had to put the guide book down, reading the safety page which states at least 1500 people have died in avalanche and collapsed ice pillars in Norway. WTF did they have to say that for? I know it's dangerous, that's why I'm doing this shit, but hopefully you are reading this as a living blog and not an obituary, crying with sorrow at the loss of such an epic and illiterate writer of life experience and general bollocks. If you are reading this as the latter...have no fear, I have already lived a life....Mum, Pen. Ben, Kirsty and all my family I love you but don't be upset, it was bound to happen sooner or later xxx Friends, look after my family or I will come back as a haunted spectre of billy goats gruff and rape your pets!
I've not blogged for a while. Not really been up to much exciting really. Just normal ordinary day to day mundane crap. Full on snowy ascent of Blenkethra, run up Snowdon, scrambled Tryfan, Carneddau disaster x 2, run the Grim, the Grim night terror, Hell runner, Tough Guy smashed the Yorkshire three peaks, passed gradings in both jKD Jun Fan and Phillipino Kali and generally been travelling the UK in the sexiest thing on four wheels, my best ever spontaneous purchase, the delectable and damn right horny Chill Mobile.
It is one beast of a camper...drive where you want, when you want, stop, sleep and shit where you want. I love it ta bits! It is almost like an extension to my family. First night I slept in it alone in a remote car park in North Yorkshire, blinds down, scallops sizzling in the pan, Radiohead on the I-pod dock, I though this is just heaven. How more relaxed can you get. Not just horizontal but horizontal and floating.
Anyway, about to land soon so a little antidote to conclude this blog of what sometimes goes on in the warped and not quite normal head of mine. So I'm in the car park right, in a local village, it's dark, it's very remote, not a sole around, middle of winter, I'm happy. I hear a noise outside, sounds like a car, 11.05pm. Mmmm, why would you park up? Kids pulling over to skin up maybe, perhaps car jackers gonna try and smash their way in... or is it doggers. I've heard about dogging, a couple pull up in their cars, turn the vanity lights on and join their sexual parts together in a form of exercise and mutual exchange of shuddering body fluids. Whilst this is going on men, generally old perverts jump out of bushes and wank all over the windscreen. Or so I'm lead to believe.
So this image haunts me, I can hear someone outside. What to do, get my dick out and go and have a watch, turn the I-pod up and pretend it's not happening, grab a knife....! I ponder, ok let's take a look, cock firmly still placed well and truly in my knickers. I turn the interior lights off and open the blinds....I was half expecting to see an old bloke in a mack holding a pathetically shrivelled penis in his hand and a 1970's camcorder in the other...or, even worse, a 50 something MILF with big hair and red lipstick smeared all over her face staring through the window with a hand full of KY jelly and a 12" black dildo strapped to her head!
I won't tell you what I actually saw when I pulled that blind up! I'll leave you to ponder and wander through your own imagination!
Must go now...gay lord Pedro is telling me off......
Laters...bring on the Ice! Ice! Baby!
Tuesday 3 January 2012
Another Crazy Ass Year......
They say you should always set yourself a target at the start of each year. A goal to hit, a dream to fulfil. As always, I think I've done this to the extreme. A little snap shot of what's in store for 2012 for the crazymeister. You can follow progress on face book and twitter @crazymeister
Endurance Event: Tough Guy
February
Norway Ice Climbing
Race: Icebreaker Duathlon
Night Race: The Grim, Night Terror
March
Winter Mountaineering Scotland : Aonach Eagach Ridge, Ben Nevis via Tower Ridge, Ring of Steel
Race: Sole Destroyer
Race: Bath Half Maraton
Endurance Event: Exmoor Ultra 40 Mile - TBC (only if training goes as planned / injury free)
April
India Ocean, scuba diving and advanced PADI
Race: London Marathon
May
Endurance Event: 112 mile self supported run of entire Jurrasic Cost in 72 hours
Endurance event: Welsh 3,000 Challenge. All 15 mountains over 3,000 ft in 18 hours or less.
June
Charity Event: London 26/26/26 Challenge
Mountaineering :Wales,Island Peak Training
Endurance Event:Lake District 42 Peak Challenge Bob Graham Round.
Totally Bonkers Event: Spain, Camino Del Rey via ferrata, dubbed the scariest in the world!
July
Endurance Event: Hadrians Wall, solo run, self supported 84 miles
August
Hike: Swiss Alps Haute Route Arolla to Zermatt
September
Nokia Coast 2 Coast - 105 mile bike, run and kayak across Scotland in 48 Hours
Mountaineering: France/Italy - Ascent of Mont Blanc 4,810m Highest in Western Europe
October / November
Expedition: Nepal, Himaylayas - to climb Kala Patar (5,545m), base camp Everest and ultimately the ascent of Island Peak (6,189m)
Race: Survival of the fittest, London
December
The Grim and a bit of a rest
spot of ironing on top of Kili....
JanuaryEndurance Event: Tough Guy
February
Norway Ice Climbing
Race: Icebreaker Duathlon
Night Race: The Grim, Night Terror
March
Winter Mountaineering Scotland : Aonach Eagach Ridge, Ben Nevis via Tower Ridge, Ring of Steel
Race: Sole Destroyer
Race: Bath Half Maraton
Endurance Event: Exmoor Ultra 40 Mile - TBC (only if training goes as planned / injury free)
April
India Ocean, scuba diving and advanced PADI
Race: London Marathon
May
Endurance Event: 112 mile self supported run of entire Jurrasic Cost in 72 hours
Endurance event: Welsh 3,000 Challenge. All 15 mountains over 3,000 ft in 18 hours or less.
June
Charity Event: London 26/26/26 Challenge
Mountaineering :Wales,Island Peak Training
Endurance Event:Lake District 42 Peak Challenge Bob Graham Round.
Totally Bonkers Event: Spain, Camino Del Rey via ferrata, dubbed the scariest in the world!
July
Endurance Event: Hadrians Wall, solo run, self supported 84 miles
August
Hike: Swiss Alps Haute Route Arolla to Zermatt
September
Nokia Coast 2 Coast - 105 mile bike, run and kayak across Scotland in 48 Hours
Mountaineering: France/Italy - Ascent of Mont Blanc 4,810m Highest in Western Europe
October / November
Expedition: Nepal, Himaylayas - to climb Kala Patar (5,545m), base camp Everest and ultimately the ascent of Island Peak (6,189m)
Race: Survival of the fittest, London
December
The Grim and a bit of a rest
Island Peak
Happy New Year
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Here's to a happy, healthy and damn right crazy 2012
Best wishes
Simon
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