Wednesday, 15 May 2013

Eat Clean Train Dirty....and so it begins!

So I don’t blog often. It bores me and saps my bodily juices of creativity that I normally savour for:

A: the kitchen (as a self-confessed Masterchef)

B:  the bedroom (as an often highly acclaimed Pornstar);  

C:  my hunt for the next crazy arse pain inducing adrenalin fix

(Note: at least two of the above comments are a lie).

But, here I find myself, on the end of a keyboard tapping away, letting rip, juicing away!

A lot has gone on since my last blog. Been electrocuted, carved up by ice, nearly avalanched, almost blown off Beachy Head cliffs, eyeballed a shark,  smashed a few mountains, smashed a few Sambuca’s , almost smashed a sheep.  

So what’s next? Well I’m starting a new health programme with my boot camp known as “Eat Clean, Train Dirty”. Not rocket science, just eat clean non-processed healthy foods and train as hard as your body will allow without breaking it. Simples.

The goal is six weeks to turn this slightly flabby relatively fit exoskeleton into a lean mean running burpeeing machine. So for the next six weeks it’s no booze, no takeaways, no sugar, no crap. Basically, if you were to mentally paint of picture of everything you like to eat as a treat, cross it off the list! Except for sheep…they are still allowed but only if you cook them first.

On the list are anything that grows, especially if it’s green, except marijuana, anything bloody with four legs, chickens (result), stuff that grows on trees, things that live in the sea (except Whales, whales are definitely not included. Nor penguins, too cute.) and finally anything that looks like water, tastes like water and basically, IS water!

It starts tonight, so in preparation I have gorged myself on shit for three days. Weighing in this morning at an all-time great of 73kg my goal is simple. Be strong in the head, work hard, eat clean, encourage others and just do your best!

I’ll be recording everything I eat plus all my exercise (except sex as the calorific loss is negligable) and I’ll be logging and blogging once a week, probably, if I can be arsed. So, if you’re not interested. Do one and go and eat a cream bun.J

Have fun, good luck and love to all the EcTd team, especially my training partner Mrs S xx

Thursday, 31 January 2013

Jeremy Kyle, Everest and the Yeti

It’s been a long time, again, since I’ve updated my blog. Mainly because my blogs only get about 50 hits per hours so it’s really not worth the effort of blistering my fingertips tap tap tapping away on this poxy keyboard. Any case, who wants to read about an adventure seeking, egotistical, slightly backward wannabe Roux Jnr. That said, if you Google random blogs you will find many more dull and less interesting balderdash  blogs than the shite I’m about to write. Per example:

Kevin aged 18, Birmingham

“today I took my dog for a walk and it was windy and it was wet and my dog barked at a squirrel and the squirrel run away up a big tree and it was funny and then I went home and fingered my girlfriend and watched myself on the Jeremy thing show and laughed more and my dog barked at the TV when he saw me on it and it was well funny. Then my dog bit me so I hit my girlfriend in the face coz I hate her and all my mates shagged her when I went to the shop to buy a pizza and now she’s had a brown baby and I’m not sure if I’m the dad but I don’t care coz really I do luv her  l luv her so much, I luv her nearly as much as her sister who gave me a blowy on the toilet yesterday and her mum who is well fit and has lots of different blokes every night at her house cos she is so fit but she is not happy as she screams and moans  a lot and the other day I heard her shout f*ck me f*ck and I think she meant me and not the bloke from the council housing association who was inspecting her bedroom for bed lice or somink. I’m gonna bone her”….  

(I’m  now struggling to write something more interesting than Kevin. Dammit).

Yeti Head! Not every day you see one of those is it? Well I am one of the few to have had such an experience. I was on a Himalayan mountain, Everest in fact, alone, in a blizzard at 7,255m above sea level in November 2013. Visibility was down to 10m, storm force winds and ice ripping into my skin like a babies arse in a shot blaster, when the dark shadow appeared in front of me. At first I thought it was a Polar bear but there was not an Iceberg around for 1000 miles; then I thought it was a hairy bearded Nepalese woman but it was far too tall and not quite so smelly. Confused and dazed by altitude and not having eaten for 11 days I stupidly said “What are you”.  I was not expecting the reply that came.  It was the most ferocious roar that penetrated through my snow filled ears sending shivers down my spine and dropping me instantly to my knees….I shall never forgot those words………”I’m a f**ing Yeti”!!!! I shit my pants, literally, shit my pants. Fearing for my life and expecting any moment for the formidable and ferocious beast to tear me limb from limb I knew I had to stall him. Buy some time. First thing that came into my head I asked “What’s a nice bear type thing doing on a lovely mountain like this” and before he/she could answer I whipped out my 47 multi tool penknife and cut its fucking head right off!
THE YETI (before I cut his f***ing head off)

After feasting on a few slivers of juicy warm brain flesh, I kicked the Yetis head all the way back down to base camp, obviously after a quick run to the summit and planting my Westham Flag on top of the world. Exhausted from all the kicking, I sat down on a Himalayan cactus for a rest which is where I met Tarquinii. Tarquinii was a middle aged bald bloke from Tibet who claimed people often refer to him as the Dalai Lama. Isn’t that some kind of horse / goat creature? What a weirdo! Anyway, we got talking and before you knew it we were both laughing at our stories of old, getting smashed in Thailand and ending up copping off with a lady boy and giving them the old crocodile Dundee treatment. That’s when he looked down and asked me what that thing was stuck to the end the end of my crampon. “Oh it’s just some old Yetis head that I cut off a few hours ago”.  His eyes popped out like ping pong balls on stalks; jeez he looked just like Grasshopper, for those that remember. Apparently old Lama and his ancestors have been on a quest to find the true mountain Yeti for over four centuries. Like I give a shit. I swapped him the head for a kit-kat chunky and off he went, holding what was really only a cracked up skull that looked a bit like the top of a hairy coconut shell.

I thought nothing more of it until later in my journey back to Lima I visited an historic and beautiful Sherpa temple and had to queue for 45 minutes and pay 500 Rupees to see an ancient and sacred Buddhist temple treasure.  As I entered the incense filled room  to the sound of Harry monks blowing a monotonous hum drum out of a conch shell,  I saw the sneaky little f**ker. 
 Dalai Lama aka Tarquinii smoking a cigar and counting dollar for showing off his friggin Yeti coconut head to Buddhist and tourists far and wide “Yeti slain by Sir Edmund Hillary”.
Fair play Tarquinii you cheeky little scroat!!
That fateful day is where I stumbled across Roomie, my ginger bearded fellow mountaineer.
More adventures to follow…..

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

11 working days....

A warm quilt wrapped around my naked body, cup of sweet tea in hand, dog at the end of the bed licking herself.....only 11 more days at work and it's serious adventure time!

Great day up in the big smoke yesterday, usual smash and grab in Snow and Rock followed by a fat feast in China town. No beer, being a good lad in October, not one drop will pass my wind cracked lips. Purchased my new sexy boots. No, not thigh length leather, no not pink latex high heels, we're talking sexier..... La Sportiva Spantics oh yeahhh!!!

No chances being taken on this Himalaya adventure, I want to be warm as possible and hopefully not snapping off blackened frost bitten extremities and bringing them home in a sandwich bag to show the kids.

Had a good few weeks training. 105 miles of Coast 2 Coast across Scotland in 15 hrs57 mins, got smashed up proper in The Hurt race, man that was one hell of a hilly run and have been cycling to work, bit of gym, martial arts. All good stuff, all necessary!

Must get up now, shower and work. Have a good day all.

Saturday, 8 September 2012

Sitting in bed, dreaming mountains...

Good morning to all my friends, family, lovers, haters, sheep shaggers and raving homosexuals. How you all doin'?

A short update to let you know I am still alive (I hear you disappointment) and still dreaming of cracking one off on the top of Everest! Been another mad few months in the life of the Smallster. Ramming sheep in Wales, North and South. Having my bell end and anus simultaneously electrocuted at Tough Guy Nettle Warrior. Getting drunk in the Swiss Alps and stalked by Peter Sutcliffe (when the fuck did he get out). Getting beaten up by women in the Dojo, once again. Having my ass bitten by my dog when we go running, playing shit golf, that sort of thing.

50k bike ride tomoz, for charity of course, and then smashing up a 100+ mile 48 hour coast 2 coast of Scotland next weekend with my buddy Robson Greenfingers. Supporting Alzheimers. It's gonna be Shwweet! Saddle sores, blisters, aching limbs and getting smashed. Triffic :-)

Work has kinda gotten in the way the last few months but that's about to be rectified. Only 6 weeks until the Himmalaya. Only 6 weeks until it's off to attempt Island Peak summit. Only 6  weeks until I embark on a journey to come face to face, toe to toe, eye to eye with my ultimate goal in's all I dream about....I refuse to die until such time.....conquer or be conquered.

Much love. Enjoy the sunshine x

Monday, 2 July 2012

MUDRUNNER OBLIVION "Dirty Weekend" 2012

It’s Monday lunchtime as I sit at my desk; chomping on a sirloin steak drizzled with England’s finest mustard, lovingly nestled next to two fried eggs, easy over.  A protein overdose to repair my poorly calve muscles that were battered yesterday like a Whitby Cod in a deep fat fryer.

Mudrunner Oblivion is the cause for such drastic repair. A fearsome 10k in the amazing grounds of Eastnor Castle.  An event cancelled earlier in the year due to horrendous rain and storm force winds which was of course the correct call (despite a 3 ½ hour journey and sleepless overnight in the camper with billy big drops doing a tap dance on my hot tin roof!).  Rain, who cares, that’s why it’s mud runner right? but getting killed by fallen branches and re-naming it “Log Flume Death” is probably not the best marketing strategy and certainly not the best way to get repeat customers given that you’ve just killed a couple with a ten ton Oak. We move on….

Fair play to Mudrunner, they re-scheduled the event and instead of just being the one day Sunday free-for-all, you could do the race on Saturday or Sunday or take part in the “Filthy Weekend” and do both days all for the same price! Free camping in the deer park, camp fire Saturday night and a band (well solo artist) banging out classic tunes like Wonderwall, bit of Ed Sheran, Green Day, James. Cold Play, Travis etc. The dude was good!!  An inspired decision, almost festival like atmosphere and with kids (the junior Mudrunners),  having a great time too playing footie in the fields. My dog, among many others enjoying running around like a complete fruit loop that she is. Bang on the money!

Pumped and ready to smash it

So the event: Junior Oblivion, about 300 kids aged I guess from about 8 to about 14 dressed in spandex and donning free temporary tattoos on their arms, legs and face with slogans such us “Dirty Boy” , “ No Stopping” , “ Boom” were set for a 5K race. A few parents joined their kids. Of course I’m there with my boy to set the pace, push him on and most of all to be fair, have fun in some mud with my lad. It was awesome, the first 1k all uphill then into the mud, mud, mud, more mud, a few obstacles, more mud, water, mud, muddy water, cargo net, mud, wall climb, more muddy water, mud, hill, finish, …..and finally, the much anticipated, and appreciated …Tub Of Love (A large wood fire heated sponge filled outdoor bath).
Celebrating in the Tub Of Love

 A review from my boy “That was just awesome, so much better than I thought it would be….I wanna go again!!!! (Huge muddy smile on his face)”

Done, Junior Mudrunner medal display!

So, I escorted my off-spring back to the camper, threw him a towel, grabbed the wife and headed back to the start line for Mud Runner Oblivion Adult. 10K, same drill just bigger obstacles, bigger lakes, bigger hills and oh boy bigger mud swamps!

The Hill Start (Junior and Adult)

About 1,100 nutters start going up the huge hill. Staggered starts, 200 at a time five minutes between each wave. After the hill it’s into the forest for 8k non-stop undulating MUD! Thin mud, thick mud, clogging mud, dark mud, light mud, smelly mud, liquid mud and mud that was more like a parasite that just stuck to your hands and feet so you couldn’t make out the shape of your body parts.  At times you cross obstacles, not tough one’s but when you’re on your hands and knees in 12 inches of black/brown smelly s**t and can’t move….it’s tough…it’s cramp inducing and it’s just simply brilliant dirty fun.

At times the paths were very narrow and you get caught behind the walkers/resters, at times the muddy hills are so steep you slip up and slide down and at times the endless puddles of glupe just seem to go on, slowly chipping away at your calve muscles. Logs in water to jump over or dive under in my case, rope climb up a muddy steep bank, monkey bars with muddy hands  #impossible. You finish wading through two chest height lakes and over the 8ft timber wall with a race uphill to the finish and of course…the Tub of Love J

Goodie bag: Mars bar, crappy wooden block medal, decent T-shirt (all sizes), red-bull, water and a car sticker.

Overall: Brilliant event!!

Rating out of 10 = 8.5

Plus points: Brilliant organisation, enthusiastic marshals, brilliant course, exceptional value for money…..and oh sooooo much filthy mud!

Minus Points: Catering not too great (bring a picnic), Portaloos on camp as per norm stunk (bring some bog roll), bit too far from my house (no I’m not going to move).

Would I go again: Absolutely nailed on event for 2013…I’m there with wifey and son.

Note: I was fortunate to experience the “Filthy Weekend” after some very heavy rain and flooding. Next year it may not be so muddy and I believe it’s going back to the one day. I’ve asked them to make a whole weekend cos I just  love being damn filthy!!


Saturday, 18 February 2012

First blog of the year.......

So as I write the plane bounces around, fasten seat belt light still on, the camp air steward bends in front of me revealing a Beckham'esk tight panty line. Do me a favour! He returns upright with a smile, a cold Heineken in hand.
You are forgiven Pedro. Pedro I think to myself, on a Ryan Air plane. Shouldn't you be called Mick or Shamus or something and why is Ryan Air blue and not green? And why are there no leprechauns on this flight. Weird. I double check my boarding pass to make sure I'm not on my way to Kazekstan to become goat fodder. All it well, Oslo Torp, destination confirmed.

So what am I doing here, apart from sitting next to a very pretty and buxom Norwegian lady wearing a V cut jumper and thigh length brown leather boots, probably reindeer skin. Well, i'm on my travels with the lads: Will from Wales, Mick and Paul from Essex, top geezers and Lord Cocks of Cocksville which is a made up name and title and he's from somewhere near Exeter! We're meeting Rob and Baggy, apparently a winter climbing legend at the airport for a three hour drive to Rjukan, the unofficial ice climbing capital of Europe. 5 days of climbing the famous heavy water of this part of the world. The place where Hitler took over the hydro production plant in an attempt to use the heavy water to make an Atom bomb to blow England off the face of the earth! The place were a crack team of British and Norwegian special forces sabotaged his plans and blew up the distillery making the Heavy water. The birth place of the WW2 "Hero's of Telemark". I bow down to you sirs, if it wasn't for these brave and committed true hero's I would not be here in my current state. I would be a deformed sperm glowing green in a shrivelled scroat sack next to the other three and a half scroat sacks of my two headed radio active parent.

Ice climbing, that's what I'm doing here. Five days of climbing the frozen waterfalls of the upper and lower gorge of Rjukan. Never done it before so exciting times ahead pushing my upper body and calves to their limits of self destruction. Had to put the guide book down, reading the safety page which states at least 1500 people have died in avalanche and collapsed ice pillars in Norway. WTF did they have to say that for? I know it's dangerous, that's why I'm doing this shit, but hopefully you are reading this as a living blog and not an obituary, crying with sorrow at the loss of such an epic and illiterate writer of life experience and general bollocks. If you are reading this as the latter...have no fear, I have already lived a life....Mum, Pen. Ben, Kirsty and all my family I love you but don't be upset, it was bound to happen sooner or later xxx Friends, look after my family or I will come back as a haunted spectre of billy goats gruff and rape your pets!

I've not blogged for a while. Not really been up to much exciting really. Just normal ordinary day to day mundane crap. Full on snowy ascent of Blenkethra, run up Snowdon, scrambled Tryfan, Carneddau disaster x 2, run the Grim, the Grim night terror, Hell runner, Tough Guy smashed the Yorkshire three peaks, passed gradings in both jKD Jun Fan and Phillipino Kali and generally been travelling the UK in the sexiest thing on four wheels, my best ever spontaneous purchase, the delectable and damn right horny Chill Mobile.

It is one beast of a where you want, when you want, stop, sleep and shit where you want. I love it ta bits! It is almost like an extension to my family. First night I slept in it alone in a remote car park in North Yorkshire, blinds down, scallops sizzling in the pan, Radiohead on the I-pod dock, I though this is just heaven. How more relaxed can you get. Not just horizontal but horizontal and floating.

Anyway, about to land soon so a little antidote to conclude this blog of what sometimes goes on in the warped and not quite normal head of mine. So I'm in the car park right, in a local village, it's dark, it's very remote, not a sole around, middle of winter, I'm happy. I hear a noise outside, sounds like a car, 11.05pm. Mmmm, why would you park up? Kids pulling over to skin up maybe, perhaps car jackers gonna try and smash their way in... or is it doggers. I've heard about dogging, a couple pull up in their cars, turn the vanity lights on and join their sexual parts together in a form of exercise and mutual exchange of shuddering body fluids. Whilst this is going on men, generally old perverts jump out of bushes and wank all over the windscreen. Or so I'm lead to believe.

So this image haunts me, I can hear someone outside. What to do, get my dick out and go and have a watch, turn the I-pod up and pretend it's not happening, grab a knife....! I ponder, ok let's take a look, cock firmly still placed well and truly in my knickers. I turn the interior lights off and open the blinds....I was half expecting to see an old bloke in a mack holding a pathetically shrivelled penis in his hand and a 1970's camcorder in the other...or, even worse, a 50 something MILF with big hair and red lipstick smeared all over her face staring through the window with a hand full of KY jelly and a 12" black dildo strapped to her head!

I won't tell you what I actually saw when I pulled that blind up! I'll leave you to ponder and wander through your own imagination!

Must go lord Pedro is telling me off......

Laters...bring on the Ice! Ice! Baby!

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

Another Crazy Ass Year......

They say you should always set yourself a target at the start of each year. A goal to hit, a dream to fulfil. As always, I think I've done this to the extreme. A little snap shot of what's in store for 2012 for the crazymeister. You can follow progress on face book and twitter @crazymeister

spot of ironing on top of Kili....
Endurance Event: Tough Guy

Norway Ice Climbing
Race: Icebreaker Duathlon
Night Race: The Grim, Night Terror

Winter Mountaineering Scotland : Aonach Eagach Ridge, Ben Nevis via Tower Ridge, Ring of Steel
Race: Sole Destroyer
Race: Bath Half Maraton
Endurance Event: Exmoor Ultra 40 Mile - TBC (only if training goes as planned / injury free)

India Ocean, scuba diving and advanced PADI
Race: London Marathon

Endurance Event: 112 mile self supported run of entire Jurrasic Cost in 72 hours
Endurance event: Welsh 3,000 Challenge. All 15 mountains over 3,000 ft in 18 hours or less.

Charity Event: London 26/26/26 Challenge
Mountaineering :Wales,Island Peak Training
Endurance Event:Lake District 42 Peak Challenge Bob Graham Round.
Totally Bonkers Event: Spain, Camino Del Rey via ferrata, dubbed the scariest in the world!

Endurance Event: Hadrians Wall, solo run, self supported 84 miles

Hike: Swiss Alps Haute Route Arolla to Zermatt

Nokia Coast 2 Coast - 105 mile bike, run and kayak across Scotland in 48 Hours
Mountaineering: France/Italy - Ascent of Mont Blanc 4,810m Highest in Western Europe

October / November
Expedition: Nepal, Himaylayas -  to climb Kala Patar (5,545m), base camp Everest and ultimately the ascent of Island Peak (6,189m)
Race: Survival of the fittest, London

The Grim and a bit of a rest 

Island Peak